Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
We are all done wearing pants today
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
