The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Every concussion has its silver lining
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
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