I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I think I sprained my soul last night
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
