party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
