Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Don't tell me you're on acid again
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
