We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
