I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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