I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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