I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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