It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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