and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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