I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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