you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
