I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
