It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
