nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
