remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
