He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
