Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
