Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
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