Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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