I will die if light touches me.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
