I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Randomize
