Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
and eventually we just all took our pants off
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
