hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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