They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
