You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
