meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
