I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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