We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
