I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
