I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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