Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
