White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
