I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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