I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
