I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
