so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
