I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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