I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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