I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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