either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
