i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
