You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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