fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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