if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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