if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
