i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
