He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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