i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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