i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
These tits shall not be calmed
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
