I will die if light touches me.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
