i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Enjoy the penises
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
