I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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