I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
